As you know if you’ve been reading this blog for long, there are lots of losses in my life just now. Trouble with my son and a recent separation after 11 years with my partner. Both these things are hard and most days are more of a struggle than they were before. My attention is divided and my energy is sapped by trying to maintain a relatively normal life at the same time I am being challenged and grieving and growing and healing.
I am glad to find that my faith is strong. My faith in life, in myself, in the wisdom of “this too shall pass.” For the first time I can remember, I am facing significant crisis (crises, really) and not feeling panicked or self-blaming or afraid that everything will fall apart. I have come to a place where I know that I can make it through the hard times and joy will come back. (In the morning or in a month or a year…it will come back.)
I’ve learned that times of pain are times when I have to take care of myself, attend to the most important things in my life, and be gentle with my own limited human self. As long as I keep going, keep trying my best, keep being true to my heart–I can make it through this.
There are small encouragements along the way: A friend from Junior High who found me on Facebook and has reached out to reconnect. A silly dog that I got on pure impulse who helps me remember to attend to the details and be in the moment. The power of knowing that I have done my best for so long that it’s okay if I am not at my best for a while. That’s not an excuse–but a message of peace that feels very important to remember.
I have the month of July off from my ministerial responsibilities. I intend to use that time well. To heal, to study, to ground myself again. I want to come back with renewed joy and vision–both for myself and for the church. I feel confident that it will happen. I continue to hold before me a single question: “What must I do to be faithful to Love and move toward Health and Well-Being for myself and for the common good?” It’s a good question. I hope it guides the rest of my life.