A well-timed topic for me. The challenge for today is to write about being “crabby.”
I’ve been feeling crabby the past couple of days. I’m not sure what’s at the root of it. I know I am worried. (Mostly about money, since I’m working half time and so far, no job for my sweetie.) I’m not good at being worried or stressed. (Is anybody?) I get crabby, mostly because I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m worried and not let the worry spread to others. Instead, I just carry around the stress silently and then it “leaks” out in the way I treat people–most often the people I’m closest to.
Back when I was the chaplain of the Mountain Desert District Leadership School, we used to say “leadership leaks.” That’s how I am too, whatever I’m feeling leaks out into the rest of my life, no matter how good I think I am at hiding it. In a system, if the leader is anxious–no matter how well s/he is hiding it–there will be anxiety in the system. If the leader is low energy, the system is likely to be low energy too. If the leader is confident and energetic, the system will probably be too.
One thing that helps is if the leader communicates their feelings clearly and takes responsibility for them. “I’m feeling tired and sad today and I just wanted to let you know” is a statement that helps the whole group become conscious of the emotions in the room. So, yeah…I’m sad and worried and crabby today. I’m wishing for easy solutions and knowing that none exist. (Anybody got a winning lottery ticket to share?) I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that General Assembly just isn’t a realistic possibility this year. I’ve added up all the expenses, and had a hard time sleeping last night because I was fretting about it. So I’m tired too.
It’s not pretty, but it’s real. And even though my instinct is always to hide these kinds of feelings, I really do want this blog to be about being real, open, and honest. Even if I’m honestly crabby.